Survive and Conquer Read online

  “Mrs. DeSantis, I think it’s time for you to go,” Chase said softly, but the anger in his eyes on Newton’s behalf was reassuring.

  She looked at both of them. “Next time….”

  “There isn’t going to be a next time, Mom. Chase will start the paperwork for a restraining order once he gets back to his office.”

  “On what grounds?” she demanded smugly.

  “Threatening your son and trying to kidnap the children,” Chase said plainly, and she paled. “That is what you have attempted to do tonight, and it’s what you’ve threatened to do when you return. I heard it, and so did Newton.” He turned. “Unfortunately, Rosie and Eric heard it as well.”

  Damn, Chase had the frozen glare down pat. The temperature in the room plummeted by ten degrees in seconds. Newton hoped he was never on the other end of that look. It was intimidating as hell, and his mother must have felt it too. She turned without another word and left the house.

  “Daddy,” Rosie said, sniffling as she came down the stairs once her grandma had left, “is she going to take us back to the orphanage?” She trembled as Newton held her.

  “No. You are never going back there. I told you when I brought you home that you were going to live with me forever and ever, and I meant that.” His own control wobbled as he made his way to the chair, letting Rosie climb onto his lap. “I know your gramma is mad, but that doesn’t change how much I love you and Eric. She isn’t going to take you away, and you don’t have to see her if you don’t want to.” He couldn’t believe he was actually saying that about his own mother. “I promise.”

  Eric hugged him from the other side, and Newton comforted both his kids from the hurt and fear instilled by one of the last people he should have to worry about. This was way too much, and Newton had to put a stop to it.

  “But Gramma said—”

  “I know what she said. But she’s wrong. She can’t do those things she wants, and if she tries, I’m not going to let her.” Newton closed his eyes. “You two go on up to bed, and I’ll be up in a second to tuck you both in.”

  They left, going up the stairs with none of their usual energy. Newton tamped down his anger and told Chase he’d be back, following them up the stairs.

  Rosie talked for a long time before she settled enough to go to sleep. Newton checked that Eric had his heart monitor on and said good night, making sure his son was comfortable and felt safe again. Unfortunately, that wasn’t going to be as easy as a simple talk.

  Newton went back downstairs. Chase had gotten the food when it had arrived, and his plate was ready. They sat in front of the television. Chase had put RED on, and they started the movie as they ate. Newton found it difficult to get into. Not that he didn’t like the movie, but his mind was elsewhere. Chase must have understood, because he paused it.

  “Are the kids okay?”

  Newton shook his head. “Those kids, my babies, have been through more than anyone their age should ever know, and for my own mother to come into their home… our home….” He set down his plate and reached for a tissue. “She scared them, and I doubt they are ever going to want to go see her again.” He wiped his eyes and then turned away to blow his nose. “It’s her own fault, but it’s going to be weeks before they start to feel safe again. And I’m willing to bet on Monday that both kids are going to feel sick because they’re afraid if they go to school, they won’t be able to come back home.” That reminded him that he was going to take them to school and revoke his mother’s permission to pick them up. He should have done that already. It was clear he had to make sure that was done. “She took that away from them.”

  “We’ll gather the information you need for the order tomorrow, and I’ll draft it and give you the instructions to file it with the court. At least that should protect you.”

  “But isn’t there a conflict of interest or something?”

  “No. Because in essence you’ll be doing it yourself.” Chase sighed and pointed to the plate. “Your food is getting cold.” He finished his dinner and took his plate to the kitchen. Then he quietly climbed the stairs and came back down a few minutes later. “They’re both asleep.”

  Newton sighed. “That’s good. I hope they stay that way.” Some of the tension that had been surrounding him faded, and Newton ate the piccata that Chase had gotten. It was tangy, and the sauce was incredible, setting his tongue to dancing. He finished off the food, feeling even better now that his stomach was full.

  Chase took care of the dishes, which was so kind, and when he returned, they watched the rest of the movie. Newton tried not to fall to sleep. He wanted to spend time with Chase, and he managed to make it through the movie. Then they decided it was time to go upstairs, and Newton’s belly butterflies began fluttering. He needed to get his doubts under control, because he wanted this.

  Chase turned out the lights and walked up the stairs with Newton, who leaned on him. “I hate that you’re hurting.”

  “Me too.” But the pain in Newton’s foot quickly receded as heat and Chase’s rich scent enveloped him. “It’s been a long time for me.” That was hard to admit.

  They paused at the landing, and Chase leaned close, his lips right next to Newton’s ear. “I know you aren’t a virgin.” His voice was so soft that Newton had to strain to hear it, but damn, he didn’t want to miss a single syllable. “And virginity isn’t something that grows back….”

  “No. But what if I forgot….” Damn, he hadn’t meant to actually say that. Newton wanted to clap a hand over his mouth. “I mean….”

  Chase raised his gaze toward the top of the stairs, and Newton pressed upward. This wasn’t the place for this conversation, and he was relieved when they made it to his room and Chase silently closed the door. “You aren’t going to forget how to make love. You know that.” He approached slowly as Newton sat on the edge of the bed, trying not to sigh with relief. He wanted this, he really did, though he couldn’t stop the nerves from racing forward again and again.

  “There’s something I have to tell you,” Newton said, patting the bed beside him. “I haven’t told you much about what happened, but I’m willing to guess that you’ve picked up on some things.”

  “Yeah. You were there on 9-11, weren’t you?” Chase asked.

  Newton nodded. “I was there when the North and South Towers fell.” He tried to keep himself together. “It was after college, and I was working at a relief agency that served the homeless. We fed them and tried to find housing and get them the help they deserved. But on that day, after the first plane hit, we knew it was going to be bad. The director asked if anyone would be willing to take the mobile kitchen down there. He said that everyone was going to be affected and that it was all-hands-on-deck time.” Newton’s skin began to itch and crawl as he talked about it, just like it had for days when he couldn’t get the dust off him. He stilled his hands, knowing it was just a memory, but it seemed so real for a few seconds.

  Chase put an arm around his shoulders, and Newton pulled away for a second, the sensation unexpected. He turned to Chase, who seemed hurt, and leaned against him.

  “Sorry. When I talk about this, sometimes it’s like I’m there again.” Newton paused a few seconds. “Look, this isn’t the time for a long, drawn-out story to try to explain my own neuroses. And I have enough of them, let me tell you.”

  “You’re probably right,” Chase said, not moving away. Instead, Chase held him for a while and then positioned him back on the bed with pillows to prop him up. Chase got Newton settled, his foot resting on a pillow, and then he sat next to him. “Now that we’re comfortable, you tell me whatever you want me to know.”

  Newton closed his eyes, and instantly he was back there, the day bright and sunny, the sirens blaring from all directions. Without thinking, he turned his gaze skyward toward the billowing black smoke and flames coming from the Towers, and said the same prayer he had that day.

  “The mobile kitchen was a converted and reinforced ambulance. I parked a block from th
e Towers and set up shop. The noise was indescribable, a million sounds all rushing to make themselves heard over one another. I opened the window and had granola bars, water, and was getting chicken soup and stew heated up when a sound from up above blocked out everything else. I didn’t know what it was at the time, but now I know it was the South Tower collapsing. It fell on the kitchen. All I can remember of that moment is the world coming to an end and me pressing myself to the floor of the converted ambulance, hoping my death would be quick and painless.” He hugged himself and tried not to let the memories and fear carry him away.

  Newton opened his eyes to ground himself in the present. He was in his own room, and the screams and deafening roar were only in his head. This wasn’t happening now. He breathed deeply through his mouth, and there was no grit or dust to fill his nose and throat, just regular air.

  “The cab of the ambulance had been damaged, so it wasn’t going anywhere unless it was towed, but the kitchen area came through intact. The North Tower fell, but it was farther away, so the impact to me was a little less.”

  “And you served food through all that?” Chase asked, gaping at him.

  “That first day, I don’t remember very much. I was on a sort of autopilot, I guess. I handed out water and granola bars because they were packaged. Somehow, I have no idea why, I thought to close the serving window at some point, or it shook closed, but that kept some of the dust out of the interior. I cleaned everything, including the stove and the rest of the interior, and on the second day, I served everything I had. People ate and went back to work on the pile. So many times I had to evacuate because of other building collapses and a million other scares and worries. I lost friends in the Towers.” Tears ran down Newton’s cheeks. “My freshman roommate, Carmello, worked in the South Tower. He was on one of the floors that was hit by the plane. I only hope he didn’t feel any pain.”

  “Was he the only person you knew?” Chase asked.

  Newton shook his head, hesitating over whether he should go down that particular path. All of this was so wrapped up together in his head after all these years that it was almost impossible for him not to, but then…. He’d already gone this far down the rabbit hole, what was a little deeper?

  “No. My first serious boyfriend was in the North Tower. He was above the fire. That’s all I really know. His remains are some of the hundreds that are either unidentified or will never be found. Anthony and I had been going out for a month, but it had been serious and we were already talking about a future together.” Newton shook his head, trying to get those thoughts to go away. He had to make them leave. This was not at all how he had envisioned this night with Chase. “I remember trying to call him on his cell, but not getting an answer. Then the dust and stuff must have worked its way into my phone, because it shorted out and never worked again.”

  Newton pulled out his phone and brought up a file he’d kept through a number of cell phones and various providers. Years ago, he’d saved it as an audio file, and it was on every computer, phone, and tablet he’d ever owned. Not that he listened to it all that often, but as long as that file existed, some part of what he and Anthony had, even for a short time, still existed. “When I got a replacement, I found this message waiting for me.” He played the recording. The quality wasn’t very good, but Anthony’s voice still sounded the same, a voice reaching across years and miles of experience.

  Newy, I’m up in the office and can’t get down with the fire in the way. The building keeps groaning, and there is smoke coming in from the stairs and even the vents. I don’t think I’m going to be able to get out, so I want to say goodbye. I love you, Newy, and all those plans we talked about, I want you to do them with someone else. You get that house you said you dreamed about, with a fence and a dog, start a family of your own, see the world, help those who need it even if they don’t realize it, and find someone to dance with on the balcony of a beach house on the Gulf. I don’t know how much time there is left. The smoke is getting worse and people are jumping out, falling past the windows. He coughed, and Newton turned away, burying his face in Chase’s shoulder. I do love you, Newy, and if by some miracle I do get out of this…. The recording stopped. It always ended there, and judging by the time on the tape, everything in the North Tower had ended at that exact moment.

  “My God,” Chase whispered, his fingers running through Newton’s hair.

  Newton wiped his eyes, feeling like an idiot for crying after all these years. “Lots of people got messages like that. I’m told they have a repository of them at the museum at the site.” He sniffed a little and swallowed hard around the lump in his throat.

  “Have you ever visited the museum and memorial in New York? It’s quite moving. I’ve only seen it after dark, but with the water and the lights, under rows of trees, it was very beautiful.”

  Newton shook his head, unable to answer for a few seconds. “No. After I finished working there, I found another job. I couldn’t do disaster relief, and I was lucky enough to get the job here. I haven’t been back to New York since.” He felt a little cowardly about that, but he knew he needed to avoid his triggers, and that site was a flashback trigger waiting to happen. “Someday I think I’d like to go, but I haven’t gone yet.”

  Chase nodded, and the softness in his eyes was like he truly understood. “Can I ask, did you hurt your foot in the collapses?”

  “No. That was my own stupidity. A few days after the disaster, there was someone else in the truck with me. The rescuers called out that they were approaching a critical time to find anyone still alive and that they needed all the help they could get. I put on a mask and a suit and offered to help.” God, that was the one thing he’d do differently if he got the chance. “The pile was still burning and hot from down below. One of the things we did…. There was a ruined sporting goods store—the front was gone, and everyone needed shoes. See, it was hot enough that the soles would melt. So we took what we needed, and the searchers switched shoes. A half hour on the pile, and then they switched to a different pair to let the soles firm up again. I stayed too long on the pile. There were so many pathogens in the rubble that I got a bad infection and it ate away some of the muscle. They weren’t sure I was going to live or if they were going to have to take my foot.”

  “So you were lucky? Or just plain stubborn as hell.” The understanding in Chase’s eyes told Newton that he’d made the right decision in telling him.

  “Lucky, I guess. After I got out of the hospital, I went back to work in the truck for three months. I used a cane and kept my foot wrapped, and I was forbidden from going anywhere near the pile. But I was determined not to lie down on the job. My foot did heal, but it’s still weak. It aches sometimes, and will be that way for the rest of my life. I have breathing issues, and I’ve been through treatments for lupus that thankfully is in remission right now. All of this is because of the work I did then.”

  “And PTSD?” Chase asked. “That’s what we saw at the fun center.”

  “The burning popcorn scent triggered me, and I was right back there. I couldn’t breathe, and the towers were coming down around me again. Same at the restaurant when we were having dinner. Something was burning, and it threatened to trigger me, so I had to step away. I used to be afraid to sleep at all because what happened would play over and over again. For a while I took sleeping pills and drank to try to forget and sleep. It didn’t do me any good, and my counselor helped me realize what I was doing to myself. I can cope with it now, and the attacks are fewer and farther between. Sometimes if I know about a trigger, I can prepare for it and the effect is minimized. It’s easier to deal with the known. But there will be a time when something will happen and I completely flip out. I don’t know when or what exactly will cause it, but my mind will think I’m back there.” Newton sighed and closed his eyes. He was so drained and tired, he’d have thought he’d run a marathon instead of just spent time talking, lying on a bed. But then, there was no way he could ever run a marathon, not if he t
rained for a million years.

  Newton expected Chase to tuck him into bed, say good night, and most likely make his excuses and go. Chase was a nice guy, a good person, but his baggage had been a lot for him to carry around, and he really didn’t expect that Chase was going to be willing to take it on.

  And as expected, Chase slipped off the bed, so Newton closed his eyes to block out the sight of Chase leaving the room. The lights clicked off, and Newton started when the bed dipped.

  “You should get undressed and then maybe brush your teeth and things. I need to go out to the car and get my bag. I wasn’t sure what you wanted the kids to know, so I left it in the car.” He leaned over the bed, and Newton risked opening his eyes just as Chase kissed him. “I’ll be right back.”

  “Okay.” Newton waited until Chase left the room before sliding off the bed.

  Chapter 6

  CHASE OPENED the bedroom door to a gorgeous sight. Newton lay on the bed in boxers and a white T-shirt, chewing his lower lip.

  “I’ll be right back.” Chase used Newton’s bathroom, getting ready for bed, and then stepped out. Newton had climbed under the covers, his chest bare, eyes a little wide with wonder. Chase smiled and walked around to the side Newton wasn’t using. He lifted the covers and climbed in, then turned out the light to plunge the room into darkness.

  “Chase, I….” Newton tensed next to him.

  “Just relax,” Chase whispered as he rolled onto his side, sliding an arm around Newton’s middle. “It’s been a very different kind of evening than either of us planned. So just relax and think good thoughts.” He slowly caressed up and down Newton’s belly. “We don’t have to do anything tonight other than sleep.” Newton had told him a great deal about himself and had trusted and confided in him. Chase now had some pretty big decisions to make for himself. Like Newton, he had held his own secrets deep down for a very long time, and Chase wondered if he had the guts to finally let them go, the way Newton had.