Heart Untouched Read online

  “She was and she wasn’t. Corrina was always a little swingy. She ran hot and cold sometimes. I thought that was just her. But do you remember the time we went to training camp after Christmas when we were seniors? Somehow she got it in her head that she was going with us, and when I told her she couldn’t, she got a little crazy. Apparently she thought we could use some sort of assistant while we were there, and she didn’t want to spend that much time at home with her family.”

  Duncan sighed. “Have you met them?” He could understand that.

  “No.”

  He shook his head. “That family is a really dysfunctional piece of work. I’ve met them twice. Her mother is completely codependent on her father, and he drinks but thinks nobody knows. I think they call it a functional alcoholic. He works and stuff, but drinks when he’s at home, and he pretty much ignores all of them in favor of the booze.” He sighed and pushed away from his desk. “I think she’s desperate to get away from them and….” He swallowed hard. “I feel sorry for her. Michael is just as bad as the rest of the family.” He turned away, unable to face Todd at that moment.

  “Did you and Michael….?”

  Duncan nodded. “Once. It was really stupid and I regretted it as soon as it was over. He and I never talk about it, thank God… but he knows I know and is terrified his family will find out.” This was getting to be too much. “I really thought I could help Corrina, but I may have only added to the mess that is her life.” He hated that he might have hurt her somehow. Duncan sighed and glanced over at Todd. “Do you think I need someone to take care of me for the rest of my life?” Everyone else sure seemed to.

  “You know I don’t.” Todd smiled. “You can be as independent as you want to be. So stop letting people put that notion in your head.” Todd took his hand and squeezed his fingers. “You need to take charge of your life, and that’s what you did with Corrina. You were clear about what you wanted. It wasn’t what she wanted to hear, but she needed to hear it.”

  “This is such a mess….”

  “No. I think she’s the one who’s messed up.” Todd leaned over his shoulder toward the desk. “Is this part of the marketing plan for Trevor?”

  “Yeah.” Duncan handed Todd the sketch. “That’s for a print ad. He could also use it as a poster in the garages.” He grinned.

  “I don’t get it,” Todd said as he set the card down.

  “You will. I’m still working on some last details, but the idea is for him to get a spokesman for his commercials.” Duncan turned to Todd, smiling more broadly. “You.”

  “Me?” Todd squeaked.

  Duncan nodded. “Yeah. You’re good-looking and articulate. You could always talk to people, and that’s what making a good commercial is, talking to a lot of people at once, reaching out to them. You’re good at that. I have some ideas for television spots too.” He flipped through his computer files until he had the image he wanted. “I know we have to be careful and you can’t use any of the Olympic logos. We can’t even mention them by name, but we can get around that easily enough.”

  “But what kind of commercial do you see it being?” he asked, very cautiously. “I’m not a television celebrity or anything. I’m just an athlete.” He rubbed the back of his head.

  “Well,” Duncan said, pretty excited. “We dress you in one of your racing suits. It’s tight, but you look good in it. We can’t use the Olympic emblems or anything because that’s against USOC rules, but we don’t need to. It will be summer, hot, and you carry your sled and try to slide on the bare concrete.” He brought up the next image. “Of course it doesn’t work. Then you say, ‘I love my skeleton sled, but sometimes I can’t get it to take me anywhere. When my car does the same thing, I take it to Michaelson’s Service, and they get me going in a hurry.’ We switch to you swooshing down a run at top speed. I have plenty of film from our practice runs. We could sift through that for some good footage. We only need a few seconds. When we return, you’re in your car, pulling out of the garage. We can always tweak it, but I think it has punch.”

  “Do you really think I can do this?” Todd asked.

  Duncan was surprised at Todd’s doubt, though he probably should have asked before he built a campaign around Todd. “Yeah, I do. You have personality that washes off you even when you’re in front of people, and I think that will translate to the camera.” He turned, looking up at Todd. “I really believe in you.”

  Todd bit his lower lip for a second and then nodded. “Then let’s do it. If Trevor likes it, I’ll give it a try.”

  “Good. I’ll look over the USOC rules just to make sure we won’t be breaking any of them.” Duncan rolled his eyes. “When I first started out, I was idealistic and thought they had the best for the sport and the athletes at heart. But I know better now.”

  “We all do. They’re a fact of life if we want to compete.” Todd sighed, and Duncan made some notes on what he wanted to change and which rules he needed to look into. He might suggest to Trevor that he hire a lawyer or have one look into things, but Duncan figured he could take an initial peek to see what they had.

  His mom knocked on the door before sticking her head in. “I made some popcorn if you want some.” She came in with a bowl and set it on the side of the desk.

  “Thanks, Mom.” Duncan shared a smile with her, and then she left the room, closing the door. Duncan took a handful and stuffed it into his mouth. “Do you think Trevor will like it? Granted, it’s down the road and there are other things we can do, but it would be different and eye-catching. We could start with still images and even some online videos before actually making the commercial. Really see if this will take off.” He was excited about the whole concept. “Tomorrow I’ll call Trevor and set up a meeting. Do you want to be there?”

  Todd shook his head. “I’ll need to work, but I trust you.”

  He put his hands on Duncan’s shoulders, and heat radiated through his shirt to the skin below. Duncan closed his eyes, willing something to happen, any sort of reaction, just so he would know there was hope. Nothing. Still, it was nice to be touched, and Todd had been doing that a lot lately.

  “What is it?”

  Duncan hadn’t even realized he’d tensed up, but he felt it now. Todd’s hands slipped away, and Duncan felt their loss instantly. “It’s nothing.” He sighed and turned back to the computer, not wanting to whine some more about things he could do nothing about. It was frustrating as hell, but the way things were.

  “You know.” Suddenly Todd was close again, his breath caressing the back of Duncan’s neck. “You always were one of the best people I’ve ever known.”

  Duncan quivered with excitement that he knew shouldn’t be happening. He could get as keyed up as he wanted, and his heart could beat as fast as a freight train. He could get as warm and flushed as at any point in his life, but that didn’t mean he would be able to do a damn thing about it. Part of him wanted to turn around and let Todd take him in his arms, hoping he’d kiss him again. Yet part of him wished that none of this was happening.

  “I can feel your doubt and hurt,” Todd whispered.

  “How…?”

  “It’s written all over your posture. You’re tense, and your hand is shaking.” He slipped his hands down Duncan’s chest. Even through his shirt, the touch raised goose pimples and only added to his confusion. “You do know that attraction and passion aren’t here, right?” He slipped his hands farther before pulling them back. “They’re here.” Gently Todd ran his fingers through Duncan’s close-cropped hair, sending tingles racing all through him. Duncan sighed as flashes of tension and joy raced through him, warring with each other.

  “But I can’t do anything about it. You know that.” Duncan closed his eyes, because he wanted to do something about it, more than anything in his life. His hand shook with pent-up desire, his mind knowing what it wanted even though his errant body refused to respond. Sometimes things in life really sucked all to hell. Not only had the accident taken away his sport and h
is ability to walk, but it had taken away his chances at intimacy, because no matter how much he wanted to let go and say to hell with it, he wasn’t going to get his heart ripped to shreds when his body wasn’t able to deliver.

  Todd pulled back, but his fingers continued gently massaging Duncan’s scalp. Duncan bit his lower lip to keep the sigh from escaping.

  “I think I want to try to refine the idea for the website so it lines up with the other promotional ideas.” He needed to get the conversation and his own mind back onto the task at hand, or otherwise he was going to snap and fly into a million frustrated pieces.

  Todd tugged his hands away, and Duncan took a deep, shaking breath to try to clear his head, even as he felt the loss of the touch the way he’d felt his last breakup. His heart longed for more, but Duncan couldn’t allow it.

  “All right. I think that’s a good idea.” The hitch in Todd’s voice told Duncan that Todd was struggling as well. He hated that. Duncan wanted to make Todd happy and to be able to give him everything he deserved. And the truth was, Todd deserved so much more than Duncan was ever going to be able to give him.

  The very walls seemed to crackle with tension, and Duncan didn’t know what to do to make it go away. He didn’t want things to be weird between them, but they were now. He wasn’t sure if he should acknowledge what seemed to be going on. If he did and truly shut it down, then it would be gone and over. But part of him didn’t want it to be. Those few moments of frisson, of excitement, were the most alive he’d felt since the accident, and he wanted to feel that again. But….

  He didn’t even want to finish that thought.

  “Are you okay now?” Todd asked.

  Duncan’s brain took a few seconds to realize he was probably talking about Corrina. He nodded. “Yeah.” Though he had a new problem that he didn’t know how to solve without hurting himself or Todd.

  “Then I’m going to go. But I’ll see you tomorrow after work.” Todd patted his shoulder, and Duncan slowly turned the chair around.

  He opened his mouth to apologize, expecting Todd to already be on the other side of the room, but he stood where he was, just a foot or so away. Todd didn’t move. He just watched him, and Duncan grew heated, shifting slightly in his chair under his gaze.

  “What is it you want, Duncan?” Todd asked.

  Duncan swallowed and willed his lips to move, but nothing happened. He swallowed again, trying to wet his desert-dry throat. “I can’t have what I want.” He took a few seconds to let his gaze rake over Todd’s lean, taut body. Even in loose jeans and an olive-green T-shirt, he was amazingly built and strong, sleek, and sexy. “That was taken away.” He wanted to tell Todd to go as the ache for what he knew was out of reach built to the point where he felt he was going to crack and explode.

  “I didn’t ask what you thought you could have. I asked what you wanted.” Todd stepped closer and placed his hands on the arms of the chair. “Sometimes life is about wants.”

  Duncan sniffed and blinked as a tear threatened to fall from his eye. He willed it to stay where the fuck it was. Duncan had his pride, and he wasn’t going to be seen crying again over what was gone and not coming back. “And then most of the time, it’s about reality and no one gives a crap what we want. We get what we get.” God, that sounded depressing to his own ears. Duncan backed his chair up, but Todd came along with it.

  “Duncan, how many times in your life do you get asked what you truly want?” Todd cocked his eyebrows, and Duncan lifted his hands away from the wheels. “We get asked a billion questions and we provide answers, often without thinking, but we never get asked what our heart truly desires. You know that. Every time someone asks us stuff like that, they’re usually trying to tell us what they think we want. I want to know what you want.” Todd’s eyes filled with warmth and gentleness.

  Duncan knew he needed to be strong, that this had the potential to be a trap he would never be able to dig himself out of. Still, it was so tempting just to say the single word that might change things forever.

  Was he brave enough to actually take the chance?

  Duncan inhaled and closed his eyes. “You,” he answered softly.

  Todd’s lips touched his, and Duncan relaxed and tensed at the same moment, sending a ripple through him that grew stronger by the second. Duncan released his grip on the chair and wound his arms around Todd’s neck, drawing him in closer. Sometimes getting exactly what one wanted turned out to be a disappointment. This was not one of those times.

  Todd tasted of butter and salt over heat and musk, combining with a flavor underneath it all that was pure Todd. Little beads of sweat broke out on the back of Duncan’s neck as heat surrounded him, building to excitement in a matter of seconds. When Todd pulled away, slowly backing up until his gaze met Duncan’s, Duncan couldn’t move, lost in Todd’s eyes until a thud from outside the room broke the spell.

  “See, that wasn’t so difficult, was it?” Todd smiled.

  “No. But it doesn’t change anything.” Duncan glanced down at his lap.

  “It changes everything,” Todd said. “Being honest with yourself can change the entire world.” He leaned close once again, his lips right next to Duncan’s ear. “See, I want the same thing… you.” Todd backed away and turned to the bedroom door. “I’ll see you after work tomorrow.”

  “What are we doing? I already went over the proposition.”

  Todd shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe we’ll go bowling.” He grinned, and Duncan rolled his eyes. Then Todd pulled open the door, waved, and left the room. “Let me help you with that,” he said, and then a minute later, his footsteps echoed through the house the same way the echoes of Todd’s kiss bounced off the sides of Duncan’s heart.

  THE FOLLOWING afternoon, Duncan would have been pacing his room if he could. He had way too much damned energy and no easy way to let it out, and that drove him crazy. Finally he wheeled himself out of his room and to the front door.

  “Mom, I’m going for a walk… or a ride.” He pulled open the door and rolled down the ramp to the walk and then the driveway. At the sidewalk he turned left, propelling himself down toward the corner.

  Faster and faster, pushing the wheels harder and harder, he leaned toward the front, driving himself, willing the chair on. Maybe wheelchair racing wasn’t such a bad idea. His arms ached, and yet he continued, navigating the corner after slowing and then picking up speed again. Wind flowed around him and his heart beat faster, pumping and throbbing in his chest, blood racing through his veins. He made the next corner and took it a little fast, nearly toppling, but righting himself once again. He went more slowly and steadily after that, taking the fourth turn and heading for home.

  Todd stood in front of the house, smiling as Duncan approached. “Do you want to go again?”

  Surprised and happy to see Todd, Duncan coasted to a stop, shaking his arms. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” His arms ached, and he was already rethinking the whole wheelchair racing idea.

  “Come on.” Todd stepped behind him. “You ready?”

  “Sure,” Duncan said with a grin, and Todd took off, running behind him, propelling him forward. “Damn….”

  “I know. Once speed gets in your blood, it never leaves.” Todd didn’t go too quickly, then pulled to a stop at the corner before turning around. “Hang on, babycakes, we’re going to take off.” Todd leaped forward, and they shot down the street, building up speed down the entire block. As they passed the house, Duncan glimpsed the horror on his mother’s face, but he only grinned and waved as they shot by. He was having amazing fun.

  “I think your mom is going to kill me,” Todd said once they stopped and he turned them around to walk back toward the house.

  Duncan didn’t care. His smile wouldn’t go away.

  “You scared the life out of me! What if you fell and hurt yourself?” his mother scolded.

  “Mom, I’m fine, and it was fun.” He gulped air. “Actually, it was awesome. I needed it.” He furrowed his b
row as she flashed angry looks his way. “Cool it, Mom. I’m fine, but I’m thinking I need to get a racing chair.”

  “Good.” Todd handed him his phone, and Duncan blinked. “What is this?”

  “I amended the GoFundMe page I started so it can possibly pay for the racing wheelchair as well.” Todd grinned. “I knew you couldn’t sit still for long and were going to need an outlet to go fast. We’ve started spreading the word again, and donations are coming in. Lots of friends and fellow athletes have donated already.” He took the phone back. “I also researched some tracks and places where you can train if you decide to do this. You’ll need to build up your arm strength.”

  Duncan rubbed his shoulder and upper arm. “Yeah.”

  “So I thought that today we’d go to the gym. You can work your arms and upper body if you want. Then I thought maybe some dinner.” Todd’s eyes twinkled, suggesting he had another surprise he didn’t want to mention in front of Duncan’s mother.

  “As long as you don’t race like that until you get a proper chair,” she chided, putting her hand over her heart.

  “I’m fine, Mom.” Actually, he was sweaty, but it felt good. Duncan rolled toward the house and turned toward Todd at the bottom of the ramp. “Do you mind if I get cleaned up before we go?”

  “Go on ahead.” Todd smiled and stood next to his mom as Duncan wheeled himself inside and to his room.

  He got out some fresh clothes and wheeled himself into the bathroom. He stripped down and took a sponge bath, washing all the important parts. Showering was an ordeal, and he didn’t want to take that much time. After washing, he dried himself and sat back in his chair, sighing a little. Then he went about getting dressed as a realization dawned on him. Things had happened with his cock when Todd had pushed him. The excitement built, and stuff grew and moved on its own. God, at least he thought it had. Though things certainly weren’t happening at the moment.

  Maybe there was hope.

  Duncan dressed as quickly as he could and also packed a small bag for use at the gym, then left the bathroom.