Half a Cowboy Page 16

  “Excellent,” the sheriff said. “I’ll be heading back to the scene to wrap things up.” He stood and put on his gear before heading back out into the cold, bright afternoon.

  “Sometimes I wish I had the ability to see into the future,” Reg commented. “I always thought I would have left behind the hurry-up-and-wait mentality once I was out of the Army.”

  Ben snickered. “I have spent so much of my life in the same state, and I’ve never been in the military.” He sipped some more coffee, but his pained expression told Ashton that he was no longer enjoying it. This had been a lot for Ben to take in and digest.

  “We should all get something to eat,” Ashton offered.

  “I’m not really hungry,” Ben said. Then he got up and left the table.

  Ashton followed him with his gaze, wondering if there was anything he could do to help Ben come to grips with everything he was learning about his ex.

  Reg rose as well. “Give him some time.”

  “That’s what you said before.”

  “And my advice is still good.” Reg took his mug and refilled it, then placed it on the table and sat back down. “Ben has been through a lot, probably too much. You and I were in the Army. We saw action. We understand war and how ugly it can be. The events of the last few days are like that. But this is the first time Ben has actually seen it.” Reg wrapped his hands around his mug and leaned over the table. “Do you remember the night after we stormed that compound where radicals were holding those families hostage? We did what we had to do, and everyone got out safe.”

  Ashton nodded. He remembered it as though it were yesterday. He would never forget all those people staring up at him with sightless eyes when it was over. It didn’t matter that they were the bad guys. “Taking a life leaves a stain you can never get out. That’s what you told me. But you also said that you couldn’t let that stain take over everything that we were.”

  Reg nodded. “And I was right then. But you had to fight your own battle to come to terms with what you’d seen, just as I had to fight mine. Ben is fighting his right now, like we did then.”

  Ashton sighed. “But I want to help him.”

  “I know.” Reg drank his coffee. Sometimes the man downed it like it was water. “But this is something he has to do on his own. You can’t guide him through this. He must find his own way.”

  “But….” Ashton turned toward the hallway as the door at the end snicked closed.

  “I’m not saying you need to leave him alone forever. Go ahead and make some dinner. Feed everyone, keep yourself busy. Ben will come out when he’s ready, and then the two of you can talk about it. Right now, he just isn’t ready… like you weren’t that first night.”

  Ashton sighed and nodded. He remembered how lost he’d felt and how the thought of being around anyone made him sick. “Then I’ll help him.”

  Reg nodded and smiled.

  “I can attempt to make things easier for him.” At least Ashton would try. “I hate that he’s going through this shit. No one should have to.”

  Reg put his mug in the sink. “No one should. But life has a way of tossing a boatload of crap our way. We all have to deal with what comes to us, like it or not. I suspect he’s scared down to the bone and trying to deal with it. Remington did a real number on him, and I bet Ben is just realizing just how bad things might have gotten.” He put his hands on the table and leaned over it. “Sometimes, though, especially when the shit seems the deepest, life throws the best possible things at us. We just have to wade through the crap to reach them.”

  Reg’s wisdom might be colorful, but Ashton thought this time, he was absolutely right.

  ASHTON MADE a portable dinner—his mother’s mac and cheese—so everyone could eat when they wanted. This was comfort food at its finest. Ever since she’d passed away, he’d tried to make it just the way she used to, but he never quite managed. Ashton carried a bowl of it down to Ben and knocked softly on the bedroom door.

  Ben opened the door.

  “I brought you some dinner,” Ashton said.

  “I’m not hungry,” Ben answered from the darkness.

  “You need to eat.” Ashton went inside, wrinkling his nose at the staleness of the room. He left the door open to allow in some freshness and a little light. “I know what you’re feeling, and wallowing isn’t going to help. I tried doing that same thing.”

  “When?” Ben asked, sitting on the edge of the bed, staring down at his bare feet.

  “In the service. Only I had Reg to smack me out of it.” He sat as well and handed Ben the bowl and fork. “But you did good today. You helped Wilbur, and you did it without panicking. But now all the things that could have gone wrong are running through your head like train cars on a circular track, passing by over and over again. Am I right?”

  “But someone died, and….” Ben stopped.

  “I know. He was scum, a despicable person, but he was still a person, and that’s what’s bothering you, isn’t it?” Ashton gently touched his arm.

  “But why? I should hate him and be happy that he’s dead. He would have taken me out if he’d had the chance.” He turned to Ashton, who nodded before lifting the bowl off the tray.

  “I understand. But look at it this way. You have a heart, and that’s what’s making you feel this way. It’s that heart that brought you to me. It’s the same one that I listen to when I put my head on your chest, and the one I feel when it’s just the two of us at night making love. Don’t change it or wish it were different. That would be a crime. Let it ache a little and then move on. Drayton wouldn’t think two seconds about what he did to anyone else, and he certainly isn’t worth grieving over for very long.”

  “It isn’t him.” Ben took a few bites and set the bowl in his lap. “It’s what he did.”

  “There was nothing you could do to change what happened. None of this was your fault. You need to let go of all the guilt you’re carrying. War is never pretty.”

  “But this isn’t war,” Ben said.

  “The hell it isn’t. And it’s one I intend to make sure we win.” He patted Ben on the shoulder. “And I want you there beside me.”

  Ben ate and handed Ashton his bowl, which was mostly empty now. “This isn’t….”

  “Yes, it is. We’re fighting to keep you safe against someone who is hell-bent on making you do something you don’t want to. That’s worth fighting for. Hell, there was a shootout today. Granted, this isn’t a very big war, but it is one, and I’m not going to let that ass win, either out there or in here.” He gently placed his hand on the side of Ben’s head. “He stole years from you, and you can’t let him take anything else.”

  Ben shrugged. “Sometimes I wonder if I’m worth all this.”

  Ashton set the bowl and fork on the table and leaned closer. “Believe me, you are.” He kissed him, licking the residual tangy cheese off Ben’s lips. “Maybe you’re the only one who doesn’t see it. I do, and I know Reg does. The pups do too, and they’re never wrong about people. They hated Henderson on sight.”

  “Yeah, they did,” Ben agreed. “Come on. We should join the others or they’re going to think you and I are getting busy in here.”

  Ashton chuckled. “You know, we could close the door and….”

  “Yes. But it’s early, and there are people out there who are fighting for us. If this is a war, then we have to make sure our allies are taken care of.” Ben stood and picked up the bowl from the bedside table. “Come on. There will be plenty of time once we go to bed for me to show you just how much I appreciate what you’re doing for me.”

  Ashton chuckled. “What I’m doing is for me. It’s my heart that’s engaged now, and I don’t think it would stay in one piece of something happened to you.” He picked up his cane from the bed and got to his feet, then made his way out of the room and down the hall.

  The dogs gathered around Ben when he made his appearance, and after taking care of his dishes, Ben settled on the sofa while the dogs all jostled fo
r position to be near him.

  “What is it about Ben and dogs?” Reg asked as he passed through the room on his way outside.

  “They love me,” Ben quipped. “I think it’s because I’m sweet.” He stroked their fur, and the dogs settled down.

  Ashton sat in his favorite chair, put up the leg rest, and turned on the television. He was looking forward to a quiet evening and an equally quiet night. There hadn’t been many of those lately, and he hoped that tonight would be the start.

  But as much as Ashton tried to settle his mind, it refused to cooperate. Something deep inside was telling him that this battle wasn’t over. Not yet.

  Chapter 11

  EVERYONE SEEMED to congregate in the living room. Lisa had her laptop on her knees, watching over the ranch using the electronic eyes of the cameras, and the other security guys were in their rooms, resting. Reg sat sleeping upright in one of the chairs, while Lucy and Marcel sat together on the sofa. They had all agreed on a rerun of Top Chef because the one thing everyone seemed to like was food. Ben was half asleep on the end of the sofa closest to Ashton, his legs curled up, Poochie on his lap. The other dogs lay on the floor in front of the fire, soaking up the heat. If Ben hadn’t known better, he’d have thought this was some big family get-together. And in a way, it was. But the undercurrent of anxiety that ran through the room told a completely different story.

  “How’s your leg?” Ashton asked Lucy.

  “Marcel says it’s healing well,” he answered, bumping Ben’s shoulder. “I was really lucky.”

  Ben was glad he had been able to help. He still thought Lucy should have gone to the hospital, but he was coming to understand that cowboys took care of themselves whenever possible. They could also be stubborn asses when they wanted to be.

  “Up until now, we’ve all been lucky,” Ben said. “But that doesn’t mean it’s going to last.”

  Reg scoffed. “This entire situation doesn’t seem lucky to me.”

  Ben shifted, still petting Poochie, who was like a heater in his lap. “Really? Lucy was shot in the leg, but it grazed him and thankfully was only a flesh wound. Wilbur, the deputy, got shot in the side and the bullet missed anything vital. Sure, Henderson is still in the hospital, and I hope he recovers so we can slap the man silly, but he could easily be dead. So in my opinion, we’ve been damned lucky.” He lightly chewed his lower lip. “But can it last?” He looked at each person in the room, meeting their gazes.

  “We have to make it last,” Ashton said. “That’s all there is to it.”

  “We’re all careful, and we’re keeping watch on anything that happens around the ranch. As much as I’d like to, I can’t set Rambo-style booby traps.” Reg turned to the others in mock hope and then shook his head. Sometimes Reg thought he was funny. “Everyone is here, on alert, and as a group, we’ve got each other’s backs.”

  Ben knew that was what was happening, but he kept wondering how long they could keep this up. Ashton was right—they were in a sort of war, and the ranch felt like a fortress. He wondered how long it could stay this way. Damn it all, Ben wished he knew what the hell Dallas was up to and where he was. Ben tried to remember what he knew of Dallas’s plans, maybe something he had going on. As he’d already demonstrated, he knew things he didn’t realize were locked in his brain. Ben held his head, forcing his mind to go over his last conversations with Dallas. But it was so hard. His mind seemed a little scrambled with everything happening. He had checked news stories, but so far all reports said that Dallas seemed to have gone to ground.

  He sat back and closed his eyes, going through everything he could remember about Dallas as a person, trying to think of where he might go. Was there any sort of clue he might have overheard and not understood at the time? Dallas had family outside San Antonio, but he would be a fool to go there. The authorities would be watching any family he had. Dallas was smarter than that.

  “Dallas has a place in Las Vegas,” Ben said out loud. “It’s a house in the city. We went there a couple of times when he wanted to have some fun. I don’t know if the house is in his name, though.”

  Reg leaned forward. “Do you know the address?”

  “No. But it was out a ways, west and south of the center of town, on West Howland Canyon Road. That I remember. The house was cream-colored, on the second block leading into the development. He might have gone there. Someone should definitely check.”

  “I’ll send a note to the sheriff,” Ashton said, already typing a message on his phone. “Is there anywhere else you two went together?”

  “Paris once, and Rome. But that was after we first met. In the last few years, we didn’t go too far from his business in Houston. Just Vegas and a few places in Texas.”

  “Do you think the Vegas house is a bolt-hole?” Reg asked.

  “It was a party house. Dallas threw some big gatherings there. It was a chance for him to be the center of attention and probably make some contacts. I hated those parties.” Ben shivered. “Dallas used to like to have me entertain sometimes. I was to look enticing and make the gay guys forget themselves. It was disgusting.” Trying to forget the bad things was hard. Sometimes Ben wished he could simply have parts of his memory wiped.

  “The sheriff says he’ll pass on the information to the authorities,” Ashton said.

  Ben held his head in his hands, wishing to hell all of this could be over so he could have a normal life. That was all he wanted. He used to have real dreams, like finishing college or becoming a nurse. But those were the dreams of a child, an innocent. He was neither now. Ben had seen the ugliest part of human nature up close and personal. Now he wanted an end to it. He had been stupid enough to think that if he got away, Dallas would lose interest and Ben could finally be free of him. Now Ben understood that Dallas fucking Remington would be with him forever, sticking to him like dog crap in the treads of a sneaker.

  “I’m going to go to bed.” Ben said good night to everyone and left the room. He wasn’t watching the television, and talking was only annoying those who were trying to enjoy the show. He was tired and wanted a chance to think. After cleaning up, he climbed into bed, and Poochie and two other dogs joined him, snuggling close.

  “You know you aren’t supposed to be up there,” Ashton scolded the dogs, who lifted their heads, then turned to Ben with their huge, doleful eyes before putting their heads back down. “I see they listen to me about as well as everyone else.” He sat on the edge of the bed and began undressing.

  “They know it’s been a pretty upsetting day.” Ben patted Poochie, and the other two nuzzled closer.

  Ashton undressed and brushed his teeth, then joined him in bed. Once he was settled, another dog joined them, and Ben closed his eyes, snuggling up to Ashton. “This is nice.”

  “What, the bed turned into a doggie hostel?” Ashton was teasing, and Ben slipped his fingers over his side. Ashton laughed and squirmed, jostling the dogs. They huffed and jumped down and left the room. Poochie stayed a little longer, but finally the two of them had the bed to themselves. “Is that how you clear the bed?” Ashton asked as he got up to close the door, returning to the bed.

  “I could do this…,” Ben said softly, sliding his hand down Ashton’s belly until his fingers curled around his cock. “I want you to make me forget.”

  Ashton rolled over and pressed Ben onto the mattress, his lips taking Ben’s in a deep and hard kiss that went a long way to pushing the images of the day out of his head. This was what Ben needed right now, something good to think about, and Ashton provided that with ease, using his mouth and hands.

  Ben closed his arms around Ashton, clinging to him as they kissed, their legs entwining, their bodies moving slowly together in the quiet, cool room. Under the covers, it was warm and getting hotter, which Ben loved. Ashton’s weight pressed down on him, solid and strong. “You need to be careful.”

  “You make it difficult. When I’m with you, I only think of us. You make me forget everything except your smooth skin and the
touch of your hands on my chest. It’s all I want.”

  “Me too.” Ben drew Ashton’s lips closer. “Make love to me. Push away all the worry. I want to replace the images of the day with the pleasures of the night.” He cut off further discussion by putting his lips to much better use. He loved the rich, almost woody flavor of Ashton’s skin, as though all the years he’d spent outside had seasoned his very body, leaving an impression that Ben could taste as well as feel. “Be my cowboy and ride me for all you’re worth.” Ashton laughed, but Ben was serious. “You are a cowboy, Ash.”

  “Not any longer,” Ashton whispered.

  Ben shook his head. “Why not? Because you can’t ride a horse anymore? I see the hat over there, and somehow I bet there are chaps in your size somewhere on this ranch. You keep horses and cattle… so why don’t you consider yourself a cowboy?”

  Ashton sighed and smoothed his hands over Ben’s sides, resting them in the center of his chest. “I’m not a cowboy because I can’t do the work any longer. I do things around here, sure, but the last time I tried to work with the herd, I spent too much time on a four-wheeler and couldn’t move my leg for three days. There are limits to what I can do now. I know that and I understand what they are. My cowboy days are over.”

  Ben smacked Ashton on the shoulder, glaring at him. “You know, sometimes you’re a real ass.”

  Ashton’s eyes grew huge. “What did I say?”

  “We are what we are inside. It’s not the horse or the hat that makes you a cowboy; it’s your heart.” Ben closed the gap between them. “You know that. You were a soldier, and you don’t stop being one of those just because you aren’t in the Army. You fought for me and for the men on the ranch. And Reg fights for all of us… though the man is a little scary sometimes.” He chuckled. “So, let me ask you, do you want to play cowboy?”